Doubt is such a strange bedfellow. One day you're up; you have direction. Then she creeps in. Like a bad love you can't let go.
I am currently courting this ex-love of mine. Doubt. She has kept me from evolving. She has tied my hands and forced me to ask, "What's so bad about the way things are?"
I think anyone who pursues creative endeavors has shared this lover. Is it only those strong enough to resist her sweet temptations - to kick her to the curb, and get on with their lives - who have succeeded?
Currently, I am wanting to pursue the only interest that has ever stuck with me; the only thing that I have ever shown a marketable talent for.
But, every time I read - be it Hemingway, Harry Potter or someone's random blog entry - Doubt comes back. As my Grandmother says, She chases you until you catch her.
Tonight, she's come calling again. Instead of writing the Great American Novel, I am whoring myself out for this damn newspaper. Anybody want cheap diabetic testing supplies? Well, maybe you will after you read my next masterpiece in the latest edition.
(Instead of wine and flowers, Doubt brings a certain amount of cynicism to our date...)
Damnit. Here's to the end of all the lovers bent on mastering and destroying. Here's to the end of Doubt. Really. It's not me - it's you.
So, now I am thinking of the Desiderata, and all it's simple wisdom. The one part I've always remembered comes into my head:
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
But, I wonder, who's greater than Hemingway?
2 comments:
Oooo Shelley, I do love you. We are all SO on a journey, inside and out. It is amazing. I am so happy to peak into your world and thoughts. You are a beautiful person. No surprise to me there, but it is nice to remember you so well. I wonder what we could be if we could stop beating ourselves up for not being better people. Was there ever that perfect human? How come we all strive to be what is so rare? Is it in us as an evolving force, is it the destiny of humans to evolve to higher and higher goodness? Our minds open and devour, our belly's distract, our loins too, but isn't that all also who we are...some say: we are the universe experiencing itself; as conciousness; this life is the unique opportunity for us to understand... something, sacred. (big sigh) I hope you and I can learn to love ourselves more fully as we are. Doubtful, irritable, picky, procrastinating and lovable, as we are.
it's going to be hard to dethrone the big fellas, and even if someone better does come along, no one wants to change history. do you think they'll ever stop reading Romeo & Juliet in high school? let's admit it, it wasn't that great. it didn't make you think, it didn't bring insight into your life, it just made you feel sorry for 2 desperate love-crazed teenagers, that's it.
but i guess not being the best is sometimes good. you don't have to live up to something you might not in the future and then let people down, meet such high expectations that were maybe a one-time thing. but, then again, we shouldn't think so little of ourselves. cause i bet they had doubt too, or maybe they just didn't really care. after all, they all became famous after they died.. except for harry potter, but that's cause she got lucky.
Post a Comment